| 'Would you care for a friendly game of cards?' | | | | 'No?' |
| 'No, let's play bridge.' | | | | 'No. Your bridge really is inferior.' |
| 'Are you going to play in the Individual Championship?' | | | | Question : What do you have when you have four |
| 'No, of course not. Do you think I want twenty-seven | | | | players arguing with each other, all shouting at the |
| different partners mad at me?' | | | | same time, all objecting to a ruling made by the |
| The late Keith McNeil was one of the best-known and | | | | Director? |
| best-liked characters on the Australian bridge scene. | | | | Answer : A din of inequity. |
| He acquired international fame through his often | | | | Sam Goldwyn, the famous motion picture producer, |
| hilarious, invariably witty Bidding Forum, a regular | | | | once scolded his bridge partner for overbidding her |
| feature of Australian Bridge magazine. While he was | | | | hand. |
| the regular bridge columnist for the Adelaide Daily Mail | | | | 'But how could I know you had nothing?' she asked. |
| he recited, tongue-in-cheek, his methods for dealing | | | | 'Didn't you hear me keeping still?' was the reply. |
| with players with whom he was not on the best of | | | | The term 'plotch' is bridge slang for a dreadful mistake, |
| terms. | | | | a blunder. After two serious errors, declarer contrived |
| 1. If you dislike someone, do not write up their good | | | | to make yet another mistake. Canberra's Bill Gray, |
| hands. | | | | who can spin bridge yarns all day long, was defending |
| 2. If you really dislike someone, write up their bad | | | | and announced : 'Aha. The plotch thickens.' |
| hands. | | | | At a regional championship in Ottowa, a local player |
| 3. If you dislike someone intensely, write up someone | | | | opened with 1 Diamond and the partner of the visiting |
| else's bad hands but attribute them to the player you | | | | expert made a jump overcall of 2 Spades. The third |
| dislike. | | | | player doubled. |
| 4. If you absolutely and utterly detest someone, write | | | | The expert waited for some clarification of the double |
| up their good hands but attribute their fine play to their | | | | but none was forthcoming. After stewing for some |
| partner. | | | | time, he turned to the opener and complained testily : |
| 'When did you learn to play bridge? I know it was this | | | | 'At the clubs where I play, we alert our negative |
| morning but what time this morning?' | | | | doubles.' |
| Definition of a bridge expert : a player who is so | | | | The opener turned to the expert and replied demurely : |
| knowledgeable about bridge that he can criticise his | | | | 'At the clubs where I play, we don't play negative |
| partner's game without exposing his own vast | | | | doubles.' |
| ignorance. | | | | Expert and his partner went -800 in 2 Spades doubled. |
| 'How should I have played that hand?' | | | | WEST : 'Oh dear, partner. North is declarer again. Now |
| 'Under an assumed name.' | | | | you're going to have to find another bad lead.' |
| 'Why are you so glum?' | | | | South, writing in the score : '5 Diamonds doubled - by |
| 'The doctor told me I can't play bridge.' | | | | East - down four vulnerable - minus 1100.' |
| 'Aha. So he's played with you, too?' | | | | North, to East : 'You got yourselves in a knot there.' |
| 'I have this terrible inferiority complex about my bridge.' | | | | East : We certainly did. Our path was paved with |
| 'Don't concern yourself.' | | | | nothing but good conventions. |